i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
