I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
