Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
