he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Randomize
