where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
It's never too late to be topless.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize