It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Randomize
