Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
