How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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