So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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