I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
