If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
