Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
