Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
