He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
