Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
The feeling are messing with the penis
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
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