bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
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