I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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