ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
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