if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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