I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
