Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
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