Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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