Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
I did not marry a roomba.
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