I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
