A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
