The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
