first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
sick fucks of a feather flock together
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
