I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize