My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
