Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
