The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
we're making bets on your personal life
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
