totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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