He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Randomize
