honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
