The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
we're so committed to being not committed
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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