I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize