you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
