i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
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