apparently the secret to your success is patron
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
