It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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