i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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