There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
My bed smells like the plague
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