thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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