I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Someone signed my nipple.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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