dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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