She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
