Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
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