My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
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theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
They took my balls.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
