A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
