he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Drunk is not a location!
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
