P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Randomize