Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Randomize
