we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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