Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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