I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
