I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
