That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize