All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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