Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
