She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
