He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize