so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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