If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Randomize
