you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
