i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
We need a shit load of segways right now
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
