life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
