this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
