Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
