Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Randomize
