i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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